Once Upon A Time... A dude was walking around the house in his ass.

Lately I noticed I have been waking up in the middle of the night. When the drawer clock struck three o’clock my eye lids opened and my mind awakened. Unlike the blurry haze of being moved by a roommate, my consciousness sprang to life right away, ready to witness the majestic awesome of the great silence of the dark.

In the shadows my eyes could see clearly; every piece of clothing strewn across the floor, upon furnitures and atop shelves. In one corner of my room, towers of pizza boxes stacked high and beside those, empty plastic bottles of assorted carbonated drinks moving slightly by the soft whispers of the night coming from outside my window.

My feet touched the cold floor, and it was peculiar because my body felt warm. I remembered I haven’t bathed since Friday night after coming home from work. But what I couldn’t remember what day it was. Saturday? Sunday? Is tomorrow Monday? Did I skip work last Monday? I remembered spending hours after hours on the PS3 as the Sun and Moon took their turns. Time is lost on me.

It didn’t matter. I looked around some more and grabbed at a cloud of black, stuck in between my bed posts and dresser; when my fingers clasped around a solid familiar. A key was pressed and my BlackBerry screen blinded me for a brief second. My eyes wavered from a deliberate squinting to a grimace, adjusting to that screen light. And slowly but surely, a face started to form.

Her face was sharp now and I drew a slow breath, then a long sigh. Despite I told women, in truth I’ve never seen an angel before. But if biblical depictions or lyrics from Nsync’s songs were right, she must be one – when I saw her face my room lighted up. You might say it was because my BlackBerry was the only light around, but what do you know? You weren’t there.

I stared at the screen. Her face was my phone’s wallpaper and I wondered “Why I didn’t include her rack in the wallpaper. She does have an awesome rack. Those have got be Ds or at least Cs.”. Then I remembered racks are overrated. Nobody knows what’s real these days. I remembered that disappointing feeling when a girl takes her clothes off and had to remove those deceitful white padding from their bra cup. I hate those fat angel white wings more than I hate rempits. So I’ve long learned that huge racks are overrated. It’s better not to have any expectations when it comes to boobs. Asses are honest. You see what you get and the most misleading they can get is by wearing fitted jeans.

But then again when I came to think of it… Hers seem to be consistent in size. A tight slap landed on my face and I was aware again. I stared again at my wallpaper for some time now. Chet Baker was singing “My Ideal” in the background of my mind and I was lost in the moment, staring at my BlackBerry.

“Am I in love with my phone?”

In the picture she was wearing a loose yellow top and her long black tresses was flowing down her head down to her neck like a shiny velvet river. Her arm was wrapped around another beauty, but my eyes never left her big smile. As I wept on staring… I had to remind myself to breathe now and then.

Why are people so obsessed with racks anyway? Well for one, you need to know what you’re dealing with. Big racks indicate how active a chick is sexually. Then again, I didn’t want to think of her that way. Not her. Definitely not her. “She does have a nice smile though”, I thought to myself again. “Sayang ass tak cantik”. Something in me screamed the fact she has a boyfriend. “Ah fuck it”.

The vibration startled me.

BBM Notification: 1 New Message.

Sheila : You awake?

I stared. I grinned. I hesitated. I grinned.

Izham : Sup

Sheila: I need help. A man’s help ;)

Izham: Look no further. Shoot. Or can I finish first this time?

Image Received. Caption: What do you think?

Izham : Clean. Brazilian.

Sheila : Come over.

Izham : Don’t need to tell me twice.

Like a wolf I pounced on the towel that hung at the railing. As I passed by the kitchen, I took off my boxer shorts and flung it to a mummified heap of clothes leaning onto the washing machine. “Shit, I forgot my shaver”. So I went back into my room in my ass, trying my best to land my steps on the floor surface when my BlackBerry beeped again. From the sound of it, an SMS Text.

“Curious”, I said.

Would you like to apply the setting for your e-mail account? Yes No

No

SMS Received: Mahani

“Angel face…” I stared. Suppressing a feeling inside of me, I pressed open.

Mahani : Sorry late reply. Was with my sis and bro having dinner in Wangsa Walk. Baru balik, tak jadi tengok movies. You buat apew teww? Out with friends ke?

I breathed a heavy sigh. “Fuck it”.

Reply Mahani     Call Mahani

Call Mahani

I waited for her to pick up the call. What bullshit reason would she text me afterwards for ignoring my call? Fuck it. I told myself not to think too much. Somebody picked up the called. Silence.

“Youu…”, said a voice from the other end in a song.

*           *           *           *           *

A could feel a smile upon my face. What once was a grimace now is something else… I looked at the clock and it was close to 530AM. The world seemed different now. Nothing’s changed in the house. Clothes still scattered about, pizza boxes still tower unconvincingly. But somehow rather… something’s changed.

The Black Berry beeped.

6 Missed Calls : Sheila

3 Messages:-

Sheila : You nak whipped cream ke apple sauce? (3.40AM)

Sheila : Hey babe, I hope everything’s fine.  (4.10AM)

Sheila : I tried calling but the line’s busy. Don’t bother calling me again. Fuck you, Iz!  (5.10AM)

“Not tonight kott”, I muttered to myself with a smile.

I sat on my couch, the same spot where I spent an eternity of bliss on the phone with angel face. My chest… It felt… Clear and spacious and wonderful. What is this? I didn’t matter. I smiled on, sitting on the couch.

Slowly but surely, an echo boomed from afar. From a far cry it grew into a solid cry of conviction. Subuh was here.

“When was the last time I had a drink?” I asked my self aloud, in the dark. The living room of my apartment flat echoed.

“So… It’s 40 days for a drop… That would make…“. I muttered on to myself, while absent mindedly reaching for a towel on the way into the shower. The murmur continued as the door closed.

“Wait, it’s… Nawaitu raf ‘al hadasil akbarilillahita’ala… I think… Am I saying it right?”

END

Of Musical God, Womanizing Drunk & Dragons.

I don’t know about you.

But I lose myself often.

I usually lose myself to witty vivid writings, epic television series with obscure profound ideas, video games with high powered graphics and awesome plots, one of those Malay women whom reek of traditional sensuality & grace (case point – Sarimah Ahmad, not Ifa Raziah).

Give me a good book; I’d be on the monorail staring outside the window into nothing in particular, instead staring inside into the tumultuous spasms of my imagination. Having opened to the concept of modern gods by American Gods, I used to wonder how the God of Bollywood would turn out. Like other Hindu-esque Gods, I bet he would appear among mortals in different incarnations over the years as successful Bollywood playwrights and directors, giving blessings & guidance to aspiring young Bollywood starlets whom wish to make it in the land of the Colorful Choreographed Dance Scenes. Of course sacrifice by the young actresses are prerequisite in gaining the favor of BollyGod in the shell of burly, pounched producer with sensually piercing eyes. How bout the young actors? Hmmm… Karan Johar got that covered.

Don’t get me started on television series. When they crap, they’re shit (Case exmplae; Lost). But once in a while, a good title comes along and sucks you in. The obvious example; Mad Men. Jon Hamm was so convincing in playing the smooth advertising genius - Don Draper; which compelled me to do outrageous things. I started picking up only Scotch, I smoke right after waking up in the morning, I exploit easy women (no money was exchanged), I faked my identity during product interview group and website registrations, I lie to people about my age and the list goes on. Truth be told why he influenced me so much is because… He reminds me a lot about myself. The guy who’s always trying to escape his current reality. The guy who has skeletons in his closet. The guy who cheats & steals at things that matter, but a charming gentleman who lives next door on a daily basis.

When I’m enamored (note enamore, not love), I become… Different. Better? Maybe. Recently, I was enamored with somebody whom is not my girlfriend. It felt magical. I wake up early. I wrote poetries at a whim. I smiled for days thoughout. I was clean shaven most of the time, top & bottom. I felt like i wanted to break into songs at every text received and calls made. Quoting Frank Sinatra, it felt like “I’ve Got the World on a String”… and I’m sitting on a rainbow… got that string around my fingers… Anyway. I find it interesting that when your body is fueled with the right chemical combination of hormones and estrogens and testosterones and pheromones and viagra, you could become another self and strive at it. It felt amazing like as if I stole the Liquid Luck from Dumbledore’s office and drank it. Everything felt right, everything was possible, everything was beautiful. When I look back and ponder upon it, I realized with that state of mind everything WAS possible, then. In that state of mind. Like succeeding with a Fool’s Hope, unseen and unfathomable by the cynic.

Video Games. Let me say it simply. I got UNamored by committing 376 hours in the wondrous realm of Skyrim (it goes without saying that this is deliberate). During in which time I have jeopardized my relationships with family, friends, colleagues and my bourgeois sense of self. Relationship with my pets thrive however as the ant colony in my house prosper due to my consistent dependency on McDelivery services.  

Off Track

    Tulisan ini datang dari hati. Bukan niat untuk mempersoal. Cuma kadang kadang terdetik hati untuk berfikir. Mungkin bisik bisik dari syaitan mengajak aku menjadi peneman berjalan, Wallahualam. Tapi, tak salah untuk bertanya. Kerana kerap bertanya buat kita lebih dewasa. Kalau kamu nak menjatuhkan hukum ke atas aku, be my guest. Aku tak peduli, kerana kamu bukan Tuhan dan aku bukan penyembah kamu.

    Aku letih melayan kongsian kongsian ilmu agama di dinding muka buku (seperti yang disebut oleh golongan golongan kamu). Sebab aku sudah keliru. Masing masing pendakwah punya pendirian sendiri. Bukan kah Tuhan itu hanya Satu. Dan Islam itu agama yang mudah. Jadi kenapa perlu bercanggah?

    Aku letih untuk berfikir. Dan berdebat dengan kamu. Kalaupun aku tiada ilmu agama, solat entah kemana, tak bermakna aku tiada hak untuk bertanya. Tak bermakna aku tiada hak untuk duduk bersama. Tapi kamu ada hak untuk menjatuhkan hukum ke atas aku? Jika kamu persoal, bagaimana agama dapat maju jika ada orang macam aku. Tolong, tolong buka minda kamu. Mungkin kamu penyebab orang kita jadi batu.


    Ilmu bukan datang hanya dari pujangga berjanggut, berserban dikepala. Kamu juga perlu berusaha. Buka buku. Dalami. Bertanya. Bukan terima buta buta.
   
    Tulisan ini mungkin seperti tiada faedahnya. Tapi sudah lama terdetik di hati. Sejak ada yang menjatuhkan hukum ke atas aku yang mengucap selamat pada sahabat dari agama berbeza. Bagi aku, Islam itu mudah. Buka  buku teks sekolah menengah dan cari muka surat mengenai makna Islam. Islam sendiri datang dari perkataan Salam. Aman. Peace. Jadi kenapa perlu membenci? Tuhan itu Maha Pengasih. Jadi apa hak kamu untuk membenci?

Piala FA

Setelah memenangi perlawanan semalam, pemain Chelsea telah memasuki sebuah kedia bra di Liverpool. Bila jurujual kedai tersebut bertanya,

"Yes, what bra are you guys looking for? B cup, C cup?"

Mereka menjawab,

"FA Cup."




Tahniah Chelsea!





MOna.





Cerita asal di mojology.

Suit up.

“Power Suit, Power Tie, Power Steering”

Subtly persistent. Ever present. This line is always at the back of my mind for the longest time now. Like the faint "adik, bangun Subuh..." echo that lingers when my eye lids tear open every morning (despite I now I live alone, despite I usually wake right after imsak), that phrase - “Power Suit, Power Tie, Power Steering” - recur in hymns when I'm all alone or when I'm doing a joint.

Vividly I remember, I got that line when I was watching the movie “Hitch” during the scene where the corporate swinger ‘Vance Munson’ was trying to render Alex Hitchens’ services.

There are so few moments in life where the vibrant shadows on the silver screen reaches out to you, strikes your brain like a lightning, define your perception on life. For me, that was one of the few moments that snowballed into the charming mess I am today.

A 16 year-old me with several disastrous imaginary relationships with the school cheerleaders, couldn’t help but to be in awe when Vance (played by Jeffrey Donovan; Burn Notice) grabbed Hitch by the collar, and whispered in his crisp Wallstreet Yankee accent;

“This is what I'm about - power suit, power tie, power steering. People can wince, cry, beg, but eventually they do what I want.”

In a fraction of a second, the soul of awesome seeped into my very essence.

*        *        *        *        *

Bersih

Pelikkan bagaimana warna kuning boleh menjadi simbol Bersih.



I suka warna kuning. Bagi I, warna kuning memang cantik. Hanya kerana Bersih, rakyat Malaysia tidak boleh memakai apa-apa berwarna kuning kerana takut ditangkap semasa roadblock.

Beberapat Tip supaya anda tidak kena tangkap semasa roadblock.

1.
Para perokok dan peminum kopi tegar. Gigi anda semestinya kuning, dan sememangnya tiada cara untuk memutihkan gigi anda, kecuali jika anda menjalani rawatan untuk gigi putih. Pada hari himpunan Bersih, bila nampak polis, jangan senyum! Jika anda senyum dan dia ternampak gigi kuning anda itu, pasti anda ditangkap.

Hidup! Hidup!

Januari 2015, Stesen LRT Masjid Jamek

Situasi 1:

Naj: Kami hanya mahu menyuarakan hak kami dalam menuntut sistem pemilihan yang lebih adil! Kami menyeru semua lapisan masyarakat berarak bersama kami dalam mencapai matlamat suci ini. Ini hak kita! Jika pihak berkuasa cuba halang maka mereka bertindak zalim dan menghalang proses demokrasi! Hidup rakyat!

Ambija: Saya sebagai pengerusi sebuah badan bebas yang mewakili 28 juta rakyat Malaysia mahu menyuarakan dengan jelas bahawa matlamat kami berarak ialah untuk menuntut keadilan dan demokrasi tulen. Kami tidak bersekongkol dengan mana-mana parti politik, kami ialah wakil suara rakyat marhaen! Hidup rakyat!

Situasi 2:

Nuar: Kami menyokong penuh tindakan badan bebas yang diketuai oleh Ambija dan disokong oleh Naj untuk berarak di ibu kota demi menyuarakan pendapat mereka. Saya sebagai Presiden Malaysia akan turut serta dalam perarakan tersebut.

Manalah tahu kan?

Tangkap leleh wa cakap sama lu!

What the hell is Love? Well, I don't know. Nobody knows.

It's the only reason your father gives you money before you go to school. The only reason your mom beats the hell out of you for kicking a classmate at school.

 

Love isn’t science. It happens without C2 + O4 = H20 or F = M - W. It's the reason why men spend most of their lives trying to understand something that can never be understood, women.

Kopi percuma dan model ekonomi

Siang tadi aku sempat duduk bersembang dengan seorang penganalisa ekonomi dan pelaburan yang berpangkalan di London. Seorang wartawan dari Bernama turut serta. Si wartawan buat kerja macam biasa, sibuk bertanya bermacam soal nak dijadikan bahan berita. Aku sebagai pengatur hanya angguk dan sekali sekala mencelah sepatah dua, biarlah mereka bercerita, kerja aku sekadar mengatur pertemuan dan mengusulkan haluan perbualan.

Menarik juga bila lelaki Lithuania yang kerjanya sebagai penganalisa pelaburan mengatakan Malaysia mempunyai potensi pelaburan yang besar, cuma cara mengukur potensi yang dicadangkan beliau agak berbeza.

Kata beliau, Malaysia sendirian tidak mampu memenuhi segala kehendak pelabur buat masa sekarang. Langkah terbaik bagi Malaysia ialah melaui integrasi bisnes dan ekonomi dengan jiran tetangga ASEAN.

”Instead of competing head to head, ASEAN countries should leverage on each other’s strength and work together as a competitive business bloc”

Beliau kata, asas perdagangan dan model bisnes EU merupakan contoh yang bagus. Ikut model tersebut, tetapi pastikan matawang negara anggota kekal diselenggara secara bebas tanpa terikat dengan matawang tunggal seperti Euro.

Contoh mudah katanya, Thailand punya kapasiti untuk menghasilkan sumber makanan dan Malaysia punya kepakaran dalam penentuan standard Halal, ini merupakan peluang kerjasama yang mudah dan menguntungkan. Contoh kedua, Indonesia rancak dengan pelbagai projek infrastruktur dan Malaysia punya reputasi sebagai penyedia perkhidmatan kewangan Islam di mata dunia, ini juga merupakan peluang perkongsian yang menguntungkan.

Selepas bersembang lebih kurang 45 minit, si wartawan beredar. Aku minta bil untuk kopi ais.

”I’ll take care of the bill”, kata lelaki Lithuania.

Sebelum beredar, aku sempat bertanya soal sektor pelaburan yang dijangka menarik perhatian pelabur asing ke Malaysia tahun ini. “Education services”, jawabnya ringkas.

Minum kopi percuma sambil sembang di lobi hotel. 

Posted on 12th April at Bual Kosong

Tips menjadi Jutawan (efektif).

Semua orang ingin menjadi seorang jutawan. Ingin kereta yang besar, girlfriend setaraf Fazura & Nora Danish, pakaian berjenama Hermes, Salvatore Ferrogamo dan jenama-jenama yang namanya susah untuk disebut. Sesetengah orang bernasib baik kerana mempunyai seorang ayah atau datuk jutawan, tetapi bagi kita yang tidak begitu bernasib baik, boleh la mandi bunga, untuk menambahbaikkan nasib kita. Berikut adalah tip yang bakal mengubah hidup anda!

Satu-satunya Cara Menjadi Lelaki Sejati.

berhenti menggelarkan Laptop anda LAPPY.

not cool bro.

Shit girls say or ask. Tips101.

Gadis-gadis memang suka bertanya dan bercakap. Malangnya gadis di Malaysia tak ramai yang blonde, jadi I tak boleh gelarkan mereka dumb blonde atau bimbo. Berikut adalah beberapa ayat atau kenyataan yang gemar ditanya atau diperkatakan oleh kaum wanita.


Shit #1: Do I look fat in this dress?

Anda boleh menipu (tapi berdosa!) atau beritahu saja kebenarannya (berani kerana benar). Atau anda boleh menjawab soalan ini dengan:

"You don't. You look like a queen, I am not kidding. You really do look like Queen Latifah."


Shit #2: I nak break dengan you. Relationship ni tak ke mana!

Ini mungkin menyakitkan, kecuali jika anda tahu bagaimana untuk respon kepada kenyataan ini. Cara yang terbaik untuk respon kepada kenyataan ini adalah:

"Sayang. I know how you feel. Relationship ni memang tak ke mana. Tapi dah tertulis pada bintang sayang, kalau dah jodoh, memang tak ke mana."

Cure for the Common Traffic.

I’ve finally found a solution to escape crazy traffic in the city.

Don’t drive.

No rude drivers cutting lines at the lights. No cheap Wira drivers with overcompensating bulky ugly stolen body kits and blaring exhaust pipes. No careless self righteous feminist drivers with misplaced confidence. No more long stagnant lines. Now I can finally be at peace with humanity on the road and see them as they are: people who drive. This is possible now because I'm usually at a higher place in mind, in spirit and in body (because of the elevated monorail tracks above the major roads).

So then I thought I finally can have more wondrous days ahead with less negativity and more room for some sun and blue skies. The metro is convenient, gets you places on time, it’s clean (in the morning), I practically go out of my doorstep-into the metro-straight to my office and I don’t have to deal with unneeded stress. Or do I?

Asal Usul Resdung.

Tahukah anda, penyakit 'resdung' berasal dari Indonesia?

Credit Gambar: http://rokokresdung.com/img/sinus_area.png

Pada tahun 1965, seorang rakyat Malaysia telah ke Indonesia atas urusan kerja. Tanggungjawabnya amat berat dan dia selalu keletihan.

Dia sering sesak nafas dan mengalami masalah untuk bernafas.

Kerana tidak tahan dengan keadaannya ini, dia membuat keputusan untuk mendapatkan nasihat doktor.

Hip! Hip! Hoorey!

Let's play "Spot the difference!"

Apakah perbezaan antara gambar-gambar di bawah? Yang mana satu Hippies dan yang mana satu Hipsters?

Photo credit to http://www.threadforthought.net/tag/hippies/

Photo credit to http://www.freemalaysiatoday.com/category/nation/2012/04/19/bn-youth-to-dataran-campers-go-back-to-class/

Drug lord

Was watching a documentary on Discovery Channel last night about ways to smuggle drugs.

Those drug lords are bloody creative! smuggling drugs using submarine!

The closest thing i can be like them is playing the game "Raja Dadah". College kids would know this game.

Photo credit to http://www.darkgovernment.com/news/drug-smuggling-submarines/

JA.

Berita Tertipu.

Ahli-ahli PKR, telah bersetuju untuk membayar Nabil Raja Lawak dan jadikan dia sebagai duta mereka. Mereka tertarik dengan tagline Nabil iaitu "Lu Pikirlah Sendiri". Mereka telah berbincang dan bersetuju untuk mengubah tagline Nabil itu menjadi

"Lu PKR sendiri".

Ps: Ini berita sekadar untuk hiburan dan sememangnya tipu.

Jenis-jenis Pengicau (Tweeter)

Helo.

Selamat datang ke kelas pengenalan jenis-jenis pengicau di Twitter, atau lebih dikenali sebagai Tweeter101.

Hari ini, saya akan cuba menerangkan tentang mereka yang boleh dijumpai di susur masa (Timeline) twitter anda. Memang ramai pengicau di Twitter sekarang. Ada yang betul-betul pengicau, ada yang hanyalah pengacau.

Anda yang mana? Hopefully the former. Mari kita teruskan dengan kelas kita.

Paling cantik!

This is the most beautiful and elegant blog in the whole wide world!

Delicious as kaya!